When she beckons

For all the reasons in this world several seem to conspire to bring one to a certain part of the world that is a whole universe in itself. So is the story of Mumbai. This is one city with the heart of a lady who is sometimes a mother caressing your dreams or your partner with similar dreams and aspirations and then again a complete stranger least bothered of your existence.

Even the fury of nature seems to halt upon reaching her; for her residents will not restrain themselves for any reason. They know only one path and trudge on forward they do. This is one of the most aspiring things about Mumbai. This sees through even the roughest days. The aura of Mumbai is unlike that which is captured by any movie until now. Few have come close and lost it. Perhaps due to the need of the storyline. A person moving into town for the first time falls in love with her immediately and remains there the rest of his/her life not due to lack of opportunities elsewhere but merely because no other city can mimic Mumbai.

An instant inside a train in Mumbai and again we see a totally different face of Mumbai. Mumbai trains are like a blender where different languages cultures, age and last but most important: dreams meet. This ain't no disco but a thoughtful glance tells so many stories. That of a starting business man. The aspiring college student. The old man awaiting some time from his children who are too busy running to ensure their day to day needs for selfs and family. A couple who are blind singers who sing for a few rupees from those who are understanding. I thought I had too many issues until I saw them. Suddenly I seem insignificant to myself. One can't help but notice the giggle of college students and blooming love stories that sometimes stay with them and meld into reality of a lifelong partner. Some other stories fade and vanish with time. Lost to the city. And yet they move on head held high with pride for they understand that the city takes as much as from you as it gives back and hence maintains a balance.

So many have come here time and before from all over globe and found the meaning of life and realized their dreams. For as many who have attained much several thousand more have had lost their lifes and several million dreams crushed. Yet and yet each one of them will choose to remain in the city for here u learn to dream and to bring life n colors to ones dreams. So is the story of Mumbai.

For a man who came to Mumbai for 1 day and got delayed for 10 days I absolutely loved my stay in Mumbai and would have easily stayed much longer had it not brought on the risk factor of my meager job in Kuwait. It earns my bread well in Kuwait yet I still long for Mumbai. As I sit in my lounge awaiting my flight. I have more than half a mind to run back outside into Mumbai and vanish into the crowd like a 5 year old. Yet my logic takes over my heart and still I remain seated. The boarding has been announced and still I sit until everyone has boarded. I take a long breath, then stand and walk the longest few steps of my life. As for her beckoning.... I promise to return soon, no matter what and step onto the flight. Who is she? Why did she bring me there? Why did she resurrect my past? These questions elude me. Yet a part of Mumbai still resides within me. The calling is still fresh in my soul. Return i shall.

eternal never

never say never?
no! always say never. It breaches within creating an option that seems to emerge right from nothingness. One way or other is always there depending what one wants to see. one could always start a new life at any second. Yet the query remains- would you? As tempting as it may sound a fresh start never means a clean slate of memories. If it was good enough a person who has gone through amnesia would not struggle to find meaning and prior memories. Yet we all see them striving to approach the instant of ressurection of those memories that somehow evade their present.

The frozen lake

the winds been howling long
strange sounds never surfaced before
why do i feel the chill now
why does this home now feel else
my castle seems vacant
the walls empty though not so
why did a pollen melt my lake
give more of life beyond mere existance
crystalline to life
the mirror today shows a smile unknown
a face today sparkles within the eyes
spring has set forth in a cold barren land
as i think more i cant recollect
when the last one was
or if there ever was
so long it has been
pollen i did enclose in crystal
placed it i did on high pedestal
set it apart from my world
in a universe of elegance
yet i walk away ..
..deep into my frozen lake
someday i shall return.

tainted

walked out on you i had
with reasons clenched deep within
far into solitude walked i had
deep within the chambers of crystalline palace
remnants of your soul etched within me
deattaching the heart from the mind
for perhaps a fraction of fear
fear of tainting you
how was i to know
how tender and simple you were
as the devil within me ravaged
confined it i did deep within
yet today i ask
or was i confined within
unanswered the query remains
yet assurance of one thought clear
longer my presence would taint you
something that will not occur as long i breathe
walk on i shall
clenching your fragrance deep within
as i fade from your present
clenching you deep within ...

a mere scarf

yet again another day rises
made sure i have
the red scarf flies
remains steady to my window
a glance to the street below
no one looking above
yet again...
a promise a decade back
when i had to walk away from him
as long as i live my scarf
shall call to him
unknown if he still remembers
yet i clench onto my childhood dream
the day drags along into the night
somehow the winds tonight seem to whisper else
far beneath an eye stares into the darkness
above searching for more than the red
my heart seems to race
could it be him after all this time?
does he still care?
a smile of recognition
time has brought more onto his face
yet his eyes do not fail me
in an instant the rains bless
a shower of petals
here on i walk beside him
here on and more
my solitary wait has bloomed.

the return

simple and elegant attachments
everything he lay aside
walked into the war
for faces he knew not
drenched himself in sweat and blood
yet every instant made sense
he had something to come back to
seconds of vicious insanity
haunted his days
yet her face n tender whispers
engulfed his minutes of dreams
back he did come
from a war torn desert
only to find the vase shattered
assumptions of his was all gone
today she walked in a different path
miles and years away from him
one instant of gleam in her eyes
a small fading smile
his presence now an encroachment
something more pain than joy
and he did walk on strong
he tread back into the desert
with only the sand to hold on to
with nothing to go back or anywhere else
he did move into everything in his path
fear vanished as well as the face
walked into the other side he did
for finally he had returned.

unicorn

scarred and stained from battles
he stood tall and moved forward
clenching hard onto few morsels of sand
more perhaps fractions of a mirage
a mirage of a unicorn
whose touch would quench his fires
whose glimpse would bring forth smiles
words evaded his lips often
yet the mirage exists within his eyes
found he did his mirage
as verses of a forgotten tale
there she stood beside a lake
staring at his breach of her world
silence spoke of endearment in an instance
the winds whispered tales of a possibility
caressing her mane in the flow
yet there he stood silent
few moments crawled as decades
slowly he back stepped and moved on to solitude
On some bank he scribbled
tender rains on verses he scribbled on sands
he trudged on hoping rains brush away
brush away words and memories of the unicorn.

the cutting

back to an old lingo in some parts of india
was jus a small cup of tea
was sitting at the station
been ten years since my last 'cutting'
its odd where a small glass cup can take you
forgotten faces resurrect
old tunes haunt the present
nameless faces and faceless names pop up
yet the dhaabawala who sold the cigarrete is clear
just as the instant a lecturer came to the do the same
no words seem to come back however
the three bikes speeding thru the shortcuts
to catch the start of the movie
the wind hittin the face seems fresh
yet cant recollect who was on my ride
another return night the rains drenched me
beyond that was dark times
most of it hazy.. perhaps for sanity
perhaps for... something
yet here i am..
an old station in mumbai...
drinking my cutting..
brushing my hand thru my stubble
gotto shave today...
but somethings remain etched in us all.

resurrectioN

Too bright so long thats its so dark
so sane so long that its insane
faulty so long that now its seems natural
no more.. no more of definitions
am through with all of em
approach me and you burn to ashes
keep away and you shall be drenched.

wheres your choice now?
did u ever have one?
did you give me one?
i don't want answers
never asked for any
today i rise.. i rise
from within myself
shards of my identity
all... all thrown aside
perhaps afresh i start..
i walk a route away
in solitude and perfectly frozen
.. frozen to time and all....

Fractured

fractions of a fractured soul
infractions of identity
shards of an old bowl
writhing gold fishes
frozen in time
Desires teethered to heart
as goat to a starving tiger

they did walk away
from self and either
yet continued..
to burn and smile.

16 fort

ravaged by time he stood
engraved sanity
bruising his soul
stood in rough waters
allowed the waves to crash in
yet... yet he remained
time remained still within..
months remained years and
he remained a fort
today the waters still crash by
but just a old fort
an old fort he has become
his story lost to time.

de return

walked a route hard
dropped everything close and moved
to claim the world
attained in clasp evrything
perhaps more than he could hope
refined from his old crudeness
now desired by many
yet somewhre deep within
there lay a rogue
a rogue that captured his soul
no refinement could brush this away
tread back he did much later
only to realise
throwing a gem he had left
only to attain
mere stones and words.

12/12/06

20th nov 2006
3
a train
an hour
a half constructed building
a cutting
a fag
new faces
yet one soul apart

Vegas ... the mirage

I had been to Vegas about a week back and it was great experience. I feel Vegas is a true mirage. Located in the middle of desert with absolute nothingness around for miles and miles, Vegas is a place where many people come forth with hopes and dreams of making it big. Some do and some don’t. Some fly while the wings of others break down and perish. We don’t knew those who do perish while those who do make it big are known by many.

Coming back to the point, Prashanth has taken the glory of the trip. This is one helluva guy who is great to be around with. Esp. on a trip. Even more amusing when he is quite tripped I must say as all of us (whoever was on the trip) would concur. Reaching Vegas past 12 in the night due to traffic didn’t spare anyone any energy to hit out at that point of time. The next day each of us were full charged to hit the casinos, look at things around (gals in specific... hehehehe).
we dint feel the drag of the length of the journey on the way since Ganesh( a.k.a Ganny) was driving all the way meanwhile teaching the rest of us to play blackjack. Damn it! I rarely won at that point of time :( But it was hilarious all the way thru.
Early next morn (which by the way was almost noon) we hit the streets and into a few casinos. We realized soon that we would not b having enough time to reach all of em within our stay there. So we hit the stop watch and spent like an hr at each casino. It was quite hilarious then on.. Ramya and Vijay went on their path, Praveen and Prashanth went off to find some blackjack slot machines, while I and Ganny tried out whatever game looked interesting. And when the timer goes off, we see people from different directions run towards the entrance or meeting point preassigned. :D

It was during one of these hours that I spent at one of the casinos that I saw the grim side of Vegas. There was this middle aged guy sitting on a blackjack slot machine who appeared to have been sitting there long. Real long, I could say from his face. After loosing some money he turned over to me and said "This thing cheats!". The words may appear subtle. But thinking of his words deeper, made me understand Vegas as a whole. This man like many others appear to have played long there. He would daily come in the morning with lil money with hope of hitting it big some time. He puts in some cash, wins lil and puts more wins lil more. its when he puts in a higher risk bet with the hope tat his luck will stand thru his hopes get crushed. With the hope tat his luck will better at the next slot machine he will start again with $1. The cycle continues day in day out. By the end of the day he would have made very little or in most likelihood lost a lot more money. Yet next day he will return.

This is Vegas. Vegas is that which has thrived on such. For the few that had hit it big there are thousands who had their wings cut. It probably is good for a short while like a romantic getaway perhaps; but it’s not my idea of long term stay in such a place.

The best fun we had was late into the night playing black jack and joking around in our rooms. With a few half slaushed and great jokes and sense and logic thrown right out the window, the night was complete fun. (Until I lost consciousness, and as I understand from the others continued to be so till 5 am). The next morn however didn’t provide enough time to hit more casinos since each of us had to reach different places and airports while some of us had to drive back to LA. After a few good snaps, some beer and a good pizza; we said out goodbyes for a while and departed from there with the intent of returning someday.

Vijay, Prashanth, Praveen, myself and Ganny

Oh, by the way, the name of the casino at which that guy (the middle aged man I earlier referred to) was sitting was 'Mirage'. Now I wonder why!...

Essence

Bright colored balloons
soft droplets of rain
drenched in a feeling
dont remember em now
in an instant i am desolate
soft whispers haunt my memories
decades have passed
tender smiles lost
today its more about the time
time to fill air in that thing
Gained a lot i have
think i not wht i not
delicate intricacies i have
carved in the niche of time
yet something eludes me..
where and what
whose essence is that which eludes me
i know not.

shaji
[oct 19, 06]

belong..

what is it tat makes each of us wht we are. wht defines wht and y. wht is it tat one strives to achieve in one's actions. dreams? desires? and y? bearing the brunt and grunt of daily chores one retires to somethin one calls home. yet then the definition changes again.. we pluck all our roots and relocate as seeds off of flowers blown by the breeze to restart again. does the new plant and the flowers born therewith recollect its originalities? who is to say? i dont knw. yet it has formed an identity. or has it? the matter of being somethin appears to be elusive. i am still with the breeze hoping to reach back frm whre i plucked myself from my roots. perhaps i will .. belong...

phoenix meets unicorn

a neat title.. a exclusive combination of fables and yet so close to each heart. perhaps a single moment in a overcrowded train or perhaps a moment too long of solitude. Donno whre. Howevr thre was this one moment that seems to be too vivid to be real but thres soemthin tat triggers emotions and even perhaps a certain extent of relation. The combination however remains very ethreal. he burns to ashes, rises again only to burn more. While she remains with the crowd yet very elusive. even among the crowd, she feels a need to touch someone's life. A desire to complete someone and be completed. Odd it is, however that in the smallest fraction of life that they form a bond and no matter wht happens beyond that small time scale things remain eternal and explained to them in a way they cant logically understand. funny it is.. people still say... " its an odd combination and most things remain unexplained" :)

random

one rain

I donno if anyone has wondered where we all go to. Each day? Each moment? Is it that one compelling dream or desire or is there more to what each of us move toward to? i donno...

During my walk, it rained and i walked on.. at a distance I saw one tree. Sheltering her wings from the rain I saw an angel. Fragile she appeared; not much different from the leaves that moved about in this wind. Yet different. There she stood looking into the distance and smiling. Confounded i was.. there was nothing around and the rain was getting bad and this girl was smiling there. For a moment i felt as if i was smiling.. now thats been a while. I walked toward her and asked her what she was smiling about and she said it was raining because God is happy. Now that really tickled me.
All i could say was " ya". I didnt want to break the bubble. We stood there for a while and chirped like early mornin birds. In a few minutes it felt like we had known for ages. I didnt even realise that I was in the middle of the rains. Blissful and content she was with the simplicities of life. Colourful dreams she had. Too soon as I would say; the rains stopped and she walked toward her home saying a 'bye'.

There I stood drenched.. that being the least of my thoughts. something changed. I cant describe what it was. I was there and yet not there. The atmosphere looked like a dream world; peaceful and beautiful.

Today I am miles away trying to understand still... I am dry yet feel so drenched and wonderful.. I can't seem to find words for this feeling.. Donno if i'll meet the rains again.

de anomaly

A dark valour he contained
led a wasteful life opposing the drift
for he knew not the after effects
He tried fitting into several forms
yet each form was absurd to himself
By then the damage was done
Rebelled beyond all normality
Spoke without any sensitivity
But a rain drenched him
a rain of love
Quenched and stood beside
Unable to balance this
He took his life
all she wanted was his side
yet he moved on... ununderstood
He was nothin at all except for her
just an anomaly... just an anomaly.